So, it’s been a while since I’ve been here, and there has been a lot going on in my life.   I was diagnosed with depression, and prescribed medication.  I found that the meds didn’t really help the depression, and they diminished my ability to write creatively.  So I have stopped taking them, and now I am trying to get back into my writing habit.  So if I seem a little dry here, I’m still working on it.

Please don’t worry about my discontinuing the medication, I truly believe that putting my focus back on God and His Word is the best treatment for my depression – my Doctor actually agrees with me there!  And I believe that writing is better therapy for me, and finally I will be meeting with a counselor soon to help me sort out all these feelings.  So, trust me, it’s all good!

So, what else has been happening? 

Christmas was awesome.  We took the whole family to Disneyland for a day, that was a memory making day if I ever had one.  There was a lot of planning that went into that, and it will probably be a long time before we try to do something like that again.  But I think we all had a good time.

Then, shortly after that, the niece that we took in 4 years ago moved out, so Tim and I have the house to ourselves again.  Apparently she was a part of the reason I needed the meds mentioned above, so life getting “back to the empty nest normal” is helping me feel a little better these days.

My daughter is expecting her third baby.  We are really excited about the upcoming arrival of Alexander Lewis… Alex is due April 5th.  However, he’s measuring a little big, and looks like he may come early.

Which leads me to the next event, our long awaited trip to Hawaii which is scheduled mid March.  Tim and I have been planning this trip for a year now.  We invited our good friends John and Denise to go with us, and have been looking forward to this vacation for a long time.  With Alex measuring so big, and possibly making his appearance early, I’m a little worried that we will be still on vacation when he does arrive.  I’m hoping he holds off until we are in town, so we can be there for his arrival.  However, it’s God’s timing, not mine - and that is always perfect – whether I’m there or not!

And one more thing, prior to the Hawaiian vacation, our women’s retreat is scheduled for the first weekend in March. I will be speaking for one session at this one, and the topic I decided on has opened up a lot of feelings, many feelings that I thought I had resolved a long time ago.

In fact, right now it’s 12:30 am on a Thursday night, and I’m unable to sleep because of my inability to resolve some of the feelings that have resurfaced.  Well, between that and the fact that Tim snores – sometimes I just can’t sleep!

In preparation for my talk, I have been having a lot of deep conversations with God… well He’s been doing all the talking, I’ve been trying to listen better these days.  But I’m working on bringing closure to a chapter of my life from over 30 years ago.  Something that I honestly thought I had resolved a long time ago. 

I realize now that I have more healing to do, but before that can happen, I need to reopen those wounds.   I must  acknowledge the hurt I felt, acknowledge the scars that I have been hiding, and I need to shed healing light on the lies that were buried under those walls.   The walls that need to be broken down…

I need to recognize that I was seduced, that I was reduced, and I was made to feel insignificant.   But I also need to recognize that the people that hurt or misled me back then were human.  And that the loving God that has forgiven me, also wants to forgive them.  

I need to forgive.

I need to forgive others.  I need to forgive myself.

And then I need to ask forgiveness from the people that I’ve unintentionally misled.  That I’ve encouraged to believe in the lies that I believed were true.

And finally I am coming to realize that I need to step back from a few things that I have taken on – responsibilities I’ve accepted, areas I have volunteered for – things I’ve done out of the desire to be needed, appreciated, or just acknowledged.   Then I need to carefully review each area of my life and determine it’s purpose in my life.  Why am I’m doing THAT thing, coordinating THAT event, performing THAT role?   And finally I need to decide if I am doing it for the right reasons – with the right end in mind.  God’s plan.

All encouragement is welcome in this area!  And Prayers are certainly appreciated.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.  Psalm 34:18

Ironic that it’s the week after Thanksgiving, right?  I think not… 

Lately there have been many things that have been cluttering my mind & heart, and for right now I’m going to focus on gratitude.  I have so much in my life to be thankful for: my family, my church, my health, and more.

Well, to get started, I need to take a moment and clarify some of the clutter that’s been on my mind.  Some of it is really good and important clutter.  Some is just clutter.  I figure it’s there, bouncing around, hanging on until I address it.  Acknowledge it.  Be grateful for it.  Maybe even write a blog about it… and maybe then I will be able to “file” it as complete.

Possibly file it under Blessings Acknowledged.

Over the past few months I’ve been helping to coordinate a fundraiser for a little boy named Samuel from my church.  Planning this event has been a large portion of the clutter that has been in my head – some of the ‘Good and Important’ clutter mentioned a moment ago. 

Working with a group of friends from church and the family of the little boy, I had the pleasure of watching a community of strangers come together with one purpose in mind – to help alleviate the expenses incurred during the treatment of Samuel’s illness.   

I made some new friends along the way.  I like it that friendships can be made while people work towards a common goal.   I especially like it when the friendships remain after the goal is accomplished.  But I digress…

The event was held on November 20, the weekend before Thanksgiving, and I was quite happy to be there and to see the results of all the time and effort our group put into it. 

My personal feeling is that people participate in causes such as Help Samuel because there is an innate need within each of us that just wants to do something good for someone else, even if they don’t know them.

I mean, really, isn’t that why we are here? To learn to love each other…

The fundraiser was a success – it went so much more smoothly than any of us could have hoped for.  Even today, it still amazes me how a small group of determined people could do so much (it shouldn’t amaze me because God was always right there in the middle of it all) and that group could make such an impact on a family many didn’t even know when we began. 

At the end of the evening all the volunteers, including my hubby and me, worked to clean up the area we had held the event all that day.  We helped the people that won auction items collect their winnings and pay for them.  And then we drove home, content and quite exhausted.

When I opened my eyes Monday morning, the Help Samuel event had become a memory for me.  The thought occurred to me that when Samuel’s family opened their eyes that Monday morning, fundraising success aside, their ultimate focus would not have changed – their concern for his health would remain the same.

Monday, I was tired, thankful for a day off.  Two year old Samuel woke up with the same illness he’s had since he was 9 months old.  The fundraiser accomplished what we had hoped it would – it raised money to help offset the treatment costs.  It was not to find a cure – we will leave that to the doctors.

While I could go about with my day; Samuel and his family still had a battle to fight.

However, I believe that Samuel’s family felt the love and blessings the community poured out on their son’s behalf.  They can be confident that the love of Christ moved through a community of strangers and friends because of their son.

I like to think that maybe they also awoke with the hope born of that community of strangers that came together for a little boy – Samuel – and that community was able to achieve something special.  

Those strangers blessed the family of a little boy they didn’t know.  And they may not have acknowledged it, but I’ll bet they were blessed in the process.

I was so busy during the planning and executing of the event that I never really had time to sit back and think about what was happening.  How my heart was being changed.  How much I took for granted.  But my eyes were opened that Monday morning. 

We all have “stuff” that makes life uncomfortable.  Who doesn’t?  “Stuff” that makes life challenging.  Makes life “interesting” as I sometimes put it.

That kind of stuff can clutter my head.  Often it makes my heart hurt.  But it’s also the stuff that makes us who we are.  What I need to do is recognize that God can and does use that “stuff” in my life.  (Again, I need to recognize that God is always right there in the middle of it all!)  He uses it to refine us.  Make us who HE knows we are meant to be. And He does it all for HIS glory – certainly not mine.  

Closer to me than the stuff in my life, I am surrounded by blessings.  My marriage is solid, and I love my church.  I am happy to say that my family, my children, and my grandchildren are all quite healthy.  And I need to express my gratitude.  Daily I need to thank God that my family is healthy.  

I have a few good friends that I know I can rely on.  Have I expressed my gratitude for them adequately?  Most importantly, have I thanked God for them?  Have I acknowledged those blessings before filing them? 

The “stuff” in my life has a purpose.  I must learn to be grateful for the trials, the growth, the tears and the joy in every day.  And in the process of learning how to do that, I could be blessed again.  And I need to recognize it, and be grateful for the blessings.

And then file them accordingly.

If you are interested in finding out more about Samuel and the illness he is battling, you can go to www.helpsamuel.org.  If your heart so leads you, when you are on the website you can make a donation to help the family as their battle continues.

It needs to be full of beauty, even if I am the only one that sees the beauty.  Not just in people, but in situations.  In words.  In works.  In nature.  In the man made.  In the God made.

“I need to make beautiful things even if no one cares.”

It needs to have value.
It needs to have heart.
It needs to speak to someone.

It needs to speak from my heart.

I’ve had a couple ideas that I’ve been kicking around for a while.

One that keeps coming to the front is a truth in beauty project.
Combination of words and photos.
Black and white.
Seeking and finding the beauty within.
Think of the Dove advertising campaign they did a while ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

You know, honest, authentic, beauty.

Only without the photoshop.

So, I think I’m going to start there.

Any volunteers to take this walk with me? Just message me, email me, or leave a comment here and I’ll get back to you!

Here are a couple bits of inspiration that have helped me in my planning…

First there are a couple songs that have nudged a tender spot in my heart.  An area that I thought had healed a long time ago. “Beautiful” by Mercy Me, “Beautiful Beautiful” by Francesca Battistelli, and “A More Beautiful You” by Jonny Diaz.  Until I get the rights to include their lyrics in my writing, you’ll just have to Google them if you aren’t familiar with the songs.  But if & when I do get those rights, I will include them in the project.

There are a couple quotes that have come to my attention recently, and they sort of acted as a catalyst to get me started, confirmation that this is something I could and should look into again.

The most beautiful people we have knows are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elizabeth Kubler Ros

***

We need to teach our daughters the difference between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her, a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her, a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly, a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her, a man who believes he is God’s gift to women and a man who remembers a woman was God’s gift to man, and then teach our sons to be that kind of man.

***

What is beauty? Is it a look, a feeling?

Dictionary.com: beau·ty [byoo-tee] noun, plural -ties.
1. the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).
2. a beautiful person, especially a woman.
3. a beautiful thing, as a work of art or a building.
4. Often, beauties. something that is beautiful in nature or in some natural or artificial environment.
5. an individually pleasing or beautiful quality; grace; charm: a vivid blue area that is the one real beauty of the painting.

Wikipedia goes a little further (after an initial definition similar to that):
The experience of “beauty” often involves the interpretation of some entity as being in balance and harmony with nature, which may lead to feelings of attraction and emotional well-being. Because this is a subjective experience, it is often said that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” In its most profound sense, beauty may engender a salient experience of positive reflection about the meaning of one’s own existence. A subject of beauty is anything that resonates with personal meaning.

The Bible has a lot of different things to say about beauty, good and bad, but my favorite is from 1 Peter 3:4 – You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

So what am I going to do? Well, honestly, like I said before, I’m not completely sure how this will all come together at this point.  But I know I will be looking for help.  I am looking for people who write, who create, who build up, who tear down, and for people who are comfortable in their own skin.

I’m looking for people who are not comfortable in their own skin as well, and I’m hoping that together, we can get there.  I am looking for people who would like to remain anonymous – and who will trust me to keep their anonymity.

I’m looking for people who are willing to be honest and willing to share that honesty with strangers.  And I am looking for people who can trust me with all of that – just on my word.

And, just so you know up-front, this will probably end up in the form of a book… just because that’s what I do these days. (see www.blurb.com – this is where I have things printed)  If I don’t hear from enough willing participants, I will presume that this idea was not meant to be.

What do you say?  Are you interested?

I say – “Beautiful!”

So, I made a promise to post something on Facebook that represented joy each day for 30 days.  I missed a couple days, but I always tried to catch up, and recognize legitimate things that really happened or really did bring me joy on each day.  So here is the journey of joy in 30 days… all in one sitting:

Day 1:  Matt sent me some photos of Cassie,  Aidan and Cambria from Disneyland… yes, these brought me JOY today!   The pictures and John 1:14 - The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Day 2 - I love fall, and can’t resist a little taste of fall in the form of anything pumpkin spice. Starbucks will do today!

 Day 3 -Today, my joy was spending a little time with one of my best friends Denise Bobbitt. Best Friend hugs are a joy, any day!

 Day 4 -This entry was spoken at Church this morning, where the message from our guest speaker was Love Your Enemy. Incredible message from Portico Church – you can listen to it online if you like. The words from one of the songs “Your Love Never Fails” seems appropriate today: There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

Day 5 -  While driving in to work I saw a flock of birds flying over the field next to the road – they looked like shore birds, maybe cattle egrets?-but they gave me such a sense of peace and happiness, I had to smile.  Matthew 6:26

Day 6 – Help Samuel Fundraiser at Chik FilA – What a blessing it was to be a part of something so wonderful!  www.helpsamuel.org

Day 7 - I LOVE Arizona sunrises…even over the freeway.

Day 8 - Reflecting on the Bible Study at our house on Wednesday nights and the Live Out Group that meets on Thursdays.    I’m combining the two, because you start with God’s love, add some old friends and new friends, and toss in some yummy food for good mix – and this will be a fun couple nights of the week!

Day 9 - EASY ONE! Today is both my Mom and my 1st Grandchilds Birthday!  How cool to have a dual celebration like that?  We got to hang out with most of the family, and that is always a reason to smile.  Happy Birthday Mom and Paige!

Day 10 -  Beginning of an intense and incredible Bible Study, with one of my dearest  friends in the group.  The love that I have for my friends – and they have for me – is a constant source of joy for me.

Day 11 - Days with no organized plans that still include company (Mom) joining us for lunch (Spaghetti) is a GOOD day.

Day 12 – I love that God loves me where I am, in any given moment, whether I am faithfully in the Word, or if I’ve stumbled and fallen, He loves me.  I was reminded of this listening to the radio – “He doesn’t care where I’ve been, only where I am going.”  Thank you for your Grace, my Abba Daddy!

Day 13 – Prayers through instant message with an old High School friend = joy in my heart.

Day 14 – Hamburger Helper. 

Day 15- Receiving a hand written note in the mail from a long distance friend!

Day 16 – Pandora Free Radio online.  (Currently it’s playing Christmas music.)

Day 17 – GIVING BACK brings me joy. The fact that I am working, earning a paycheck, and am able to give back to the communities I am a part of… yes – that makes me smile.  This is the time of year that many charities come out and ask for donations.  My company has core values that include giving back to the communities that we serve.  There are many people hurting out there, and if we who are working and able to do something don’t do it, then who will help the hungry and cold?

Day 18 – Coffee, pie, and long talks with new friends.  I got to spend the evening with a new friend.  We had hoped that others would join us, but afterwards, I was glad everyone else was busy.  Because I got to have a great conversation with a new friend, and it was good.

Day 19 – 1 Peter 2:9-10 ♥  But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.  ***  I read this in my Bible Study this week.  It was a verse I’d not really internalized in the past, but I did this week.  Today I focused on it for a while, and the part about ME being one of God’s chosen people, a royal priesthood, a special possession of God – really touched my heart.  That we have the HONOR of declaring – stating to everyone – praises of God, because He called us out of darkness, and into the Wonderful Light… wow.

Day 20 – 1 Cor 13:8 - Love Never Fails.  God is Love.  Wow, that statement REALLY brings JOY to my heart.

Catch Up – Day 23 – I completely lost track of where I was in my countdown, but I know that today is Day 23 in my 30 day journey in Joy – because I numbered them on my calendar at work. The ability to start fresh every day is a joy for me… ♥ Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. Lamentations 3:23 NLT

Day 24 – baking spice scented candles that remind me of the holidays and baking… without the added calories that actual baking would mean!

Day 25 – my GRANDDAUGHTERS! Paige reading to Cambria! Sweetness was never so cute.

Day 26 - Being welcomed into the home of a friend is a BIG joy on my list.

Day 27 – experiencing the beauty of God’s creation in the form of Estes Park, Colorado.

Day 28 - enjoying worship at a different church with friends, feeling completely at home – like sitting at their kitchen table along with God.

Day 29 - knowing that friends are friends no matter how far apart we are.

Day 30 - I listened to the words to Amazing Grace… and it felt fitting that I should make that my last Joy Journal Entry. Amazing Grace provides me with a deep and satisfying joy… I need nothing else but God’s Grace.

 Thanks for taking this journey with me for the past 30 days.  I know the actual “walk” was through Facebook, but compiling it here in the background has given me a lot to think about, and I’m considering quite a few things that came up over the last 30 days.

I’ll be writing more on those items, so be prepared for a bit of reflecting back to this post over the next few weeks and months.

And I’ll try to keep it all full of JOY!

Since we sold our house in Chandler, I have missed having a fireplace. Not the heat of the fire itself (I mean, we do live in Arizona), but more what a fireplace symbolizes… warmth, family, a gathering place… I’ve always thought of a fireplace as the heart of the home.
So, I had this idea of creating the image of a fireplace. A faux fireplace. My original thought was just 2 sets of book cases and a shelf or mantel across the top of them. Simple right? Inexpensive, right?
So, I explained my dream to Tim, and after much talking, explaining my vision, sketching out plans, measuring spaces, and discussing furniture re-positioning, we drove out to Ikea to pick up a couple book cases and a floating shelf.  Simple, right?
Well, not when Ikea only had one of the bookcases that would work perfectly.
Me, being me, started to re-construct me plans in my head… coming up with something that would work, but really wouldn’t be the same.
Not wanting to “settle for” something that wasn’t what we really wanted, Tim convinced me to keep the dream alive a bit longer, and go to Lowes. We made the trek over to Lowes.
Well, they didn’t have book cases that would work either, and they didn’t have the floating shelf that would make the perfect mantle.
But we caught a glimpse of some glass block… and a new idea was birthed.
What if we built the sides out of glass block instead of bookcases? And keeping the floating shelf as the mantle, what if we also create a mini hearth to set LED candles on? (we have 4 grandchildren, so this seems like a safer option.)
And what if we strung some twinkle lights behind the glass blocks?  And that is how my wonderful hubby helped me pull together my scattered dream of a fireplace.

That dream is almost complete.  It didn’t come together without many discussions revolving around money, redefining the original vision, a momentary loss of direction causing a heated discussion about returning everything and forgetting the whole idea, and finally much moving of furniture – and the satisfaction of nearly being done.

Two rooms have been impacted by this fireplace.  The TV and sofa set have been moved to the newly created Family Room.  The pool table and leather sofa have been moved to the front room.  I’m not sure what to call that room yet, maybe just the pool room?  Game room?  We may just let it be known as the “front room.”  The 2 chair and oak table pub set is now in the front room, more enhancing the game room/pool room feel.

Along with this change, we picked up a round dining room table that has switched hands from us to Michaela to Matt, and is now back with us.  I had a desire for a table more than two people could sit and eat. 

An ongoing discussion on Facebook is helping me decide what to do with that dining table… paint it white, black, or a combination of the two colors.  Currently – all black is in the lead!

The fireplace is almost done. There is one more step needed to finish it off – we need to paint and adhere some quarter round or molding around the top and bottom of the glass block columns.  Then, one more change to come in the room will involve mounting the TV on the wall above the mantle – but we need someone to run the cable and wires for us.   But until that happens,  I just couldn’t wait to share it with you!

****
I want to be this strong, forgiving, transparent person, but people tend to get broken when they are like that.

glass is transparent and you know what can happen to IT.

When I say transparent, it means I always want people to know who I am, what they are getting when they take me on as a friend. That I’ll always be as honest as I can, 
when I say something, it’s my truth.

Oh
Ok

…see me, see my heart.
that kind of thing.
But God says to protect your heart.
so to me that means avoid situations that would damage or break my heart.
…
…
maybe He doesn’t mean it that way,
maybe i need to protect from evil, not breakage.
hmmm…
damage yes, avoid that.
breakage is going to happen.
it happened to God.
still happens to Him… daily
****

So, this conversation had a lot more behind it, but that bit really struck a chord with my heart.

I realize I have been trying to live in a bubble, a safety net. Trying to create a space in my world that would protect me from being hurt.  Damaged.  Broken.

But what good will I be to God if I continue to live like this? If I don’t “live life to the full”  (John 10:9-11), if I don’t get out of this bubble, how will I do anything good? How will I be able to impact people with the LOVE of Christ that I have experienced?  How can I share that with others, if I am hiding in a bubble.

How can I show people His Love, if I am afraid of the hurt that love in this world can do to me?  To my hear .  My story is all about the Love that God has for me, and how in the midst of all the garbage that I me, God still loves me just the same.  Every day He waits for me to come to him with my brokenness and to hand it over to Him, so He can make me better.

Jesus said “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world!” (John 16:33)

Many people cling to that verse as a life verse. A truth beyond all the pain of this world. We have a hope of an eternity with no more pain, no more tears. (Revelation 21:3-5)

God is Love. Love is God. Without one, you can’t have the other. Plain and simple. This world can be hurtful and dark, possibly because there are so many people who don’t know God – who don’t understand His LOVE.

And that’s what struck me in my IM with my mom. God understands the pain that we go through… because He went through it the day Jesus was nailed to a tree in Love.
Because He goes through it every day, every moment we turn to someone else, something else… someone or something that is not Him.

He loves us so much… and we so often turn our backs on Him. Maybe out of ignorance because we don’t know Him. Maybe out of fear of being let down because the world has taught us that disappointment is inevitable.

Maybe we just don’t know how to Love Him back… and that’s all He really wants from us.

Everyone’s story is about the Love that God has for them… and each story is unique.  Each person is in a different place in that relationship.  Each person has a different brokenness, and God is patiently waiting for each person to turn to Him, and ask Him to forgive them, and love them for who they are.  And He will, all we have to do is ask.  He is the author and creator, and is living proof of unconditional Love.  Love with a capital L.

I just need to figure out how to be brave.  I need to live my life in a way that shows people the change that has taken place within me.  How the Love has changed me.   And then show them how He Loves them enough to die for them.

Please understand something about my heart. It does carry some sadness within it. As I’ve mentioned in the past, when I’m sad or “processing” something, writing helps me pull it out. And while I don’t always share those writings, I do sometimes feel there is a purpose behind God’s gift of words that come from my heart. Maybe there is someone out there who is going through something similar. Maybe there is someone who hurts, and needs to know that there are others who are hurting too. And maybe in that community, we can come together through this blog, and find that hope that God always reveals to me.

So, if I seem depressed, maybe I am. But that is not who I am. Who I am is a woman who just happens to write better at times. But today is not one of those times at least in the “sad” sense.

Today I decided to laugh. (in between chores around the house)
Today I decided to smile. (in between loads of laundry)

Today I wanted to share with you some of the things that make me happy.

I am not going to pull out the grandchildren card, although there are few things in this life that make me happier than those 4 adorable kids, and watch out, because those posts will appear…
I am not going to pull out the wonderful hubby card, although he does know how to make me smile, and continually finds ways to surprise me…
I am not going to pull out the great kids and their spouses card, and trust me, that’s a hard one to not pull out.

Nope. I am pulling out Pinterest.

Yes, I said Pinterest. As my friend Andrea called it “the biggest time suck of them all” (I couldn’t find that post, and I am probably paraphrasing, but I do remember the words “time suck”). I didn’t quite understand what she meant until I logged on to the site. What I have determined that phrase must mean is Pinterest will take all your free time and send it to cyber land… kind of like an internet version of the Kirby.

And then I registered.

You might be wondering what kind of a word is “Pinterest” anyway.  Well, break it down into the two words that make the word Pinterest:  Pin (as to a bulletin board) and Interest, (as in things that interest you) and put them together. Pinterest is a site that you can “pin” things that “interest” you to your electronic idea board. Dream board. Style board. Whatever kind of a board you personally would like to have available for reference.

So how does this website bring me joy? Well, I guess the site itself doesn’t actually bring me joy, but it takes me away for a while, opens my mind and creativity, and shows me things, places, ideas, crafts, books, music, movies, well many things – things that interest me. Things that are probably completely inconsequential in the grand scheme of our busy day to day lives… but things that can cause me to dream a little bigger. Plan a little better. Bless someone a little more. (And ultimately, I’m kind of hoping it will help me to become more organized!)
Here are some things I found on the site, some I am either hoping to implement in one way or another, inspire someone else to read, watch, do, create -  and there are some things that I just enjoy looking at, dreaming of, or thinking about…

If you are interested in seeing all my “boards” here is a link to my page:
http://pinterest.com/bethelbird/

Feel free to look around. I have nothing to hide, and all sorts of stuff to share!

And no, they don’t pay me to promote it!

Have a great day!

Several months ago I was hurt by someone I never thought would hurt me. In a way I didn’t expect. Through an opening I didn’t close quickly enough. Painful words delivered and carved forever onto my heart. A heart that was unprotected that day. It is protected now – at least a little better than it was that day.

Today I look back at this entire exchange through different eyes. I wish I could have reacted differently. I wish I had found the strength to let the hurt go immediately. I wish that conversation had never taken place. I was so unprepared. Looking back, I understand the position of the person, but it was still so unexpected.

I understand the situation. It doesn’t hurt any less because I understand, I just understand. And over the past few months, I have come to a place of forgiveness. Trust me; forgiveness in this case has been quite difficult for me. Words said to personally hurt me, delivered in front of people who would rather not have been involved.

In situations like this, after the fact, I have a habit of reliving the pain; I tend to hold on to it, wondering what I could have done differently, what I did to cause it to happen, almost as a martyr would. But I don’t want to live like a martyr. I want to rise above that. I’m making the conscious effort to do just that.

Starting today.

I will probably have to start again tomorrow.

It’s one of those things that I will have to decide each day to do.

To rise above, I must forgive them, even if they don’t know or care that I have forgiven them.  So I have.  I did again today.  And I will probably have to do it again tomorrow.

But… The pain is still there.

The fear of more hurt and new scars is still there. I find myself holding back from investing in new friendships. My heart bruises quite easily these days. I’m afraid that the moment I let my guard down, my heart will be hurt again.

What kind of life will I live if I’m living in fear of being hurt? What if someone else says something that breaks my heart? That kind of fear could stop me from doing so much – from doing anything! What kind of testimony of God’s love would that be? 1 John 4:18 – perfect love drives out all fear. How can I share God’s gift of grace and forgiveness, if I am living in fear of being hurt. Simply put, I can’t.

So I won’t.

I made the decision to rise up out of this pit. I have decided to move on beyond the damage that someone else caused. I realize the scars on my heart don’t affect them one way or the other – they don’t feel the pain that I feel, I am the only one suffering by not letting go of the pain.

I certainly don’t wish them any harm; I don’t wish them the pain that I’ve felt all this time. I honestly wish them well. I pray they find peace in what ever it is that caused them to lash out at me, if they haven’t yet. If by removing me from their life, they find that peace, I’m ok with that. Because I care about them, I choose to not do anything that might cause more pain. I’d rather it was not this way, but it is their choice.

I will love them the same. I won’t willingly open up my heart to the opportunity for that kind of hurt again, but I don’t love them any less now than I did 5 years ago.

I know the truth about me.  I know the truth about my relationship with my Heavenly Father, with my family, and I know where my future lies. I know that my Father wants me to have peace, to love completely, and to give grace whenever possible. 

Micah 6:8 – He has shown you, oh mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

I will be obedient to the One that calls me Beloved, and as He commands, and because I love mercy, I will forgive those who hurt me – some sooner, some later, but they will be forgiven. I will love my friends, family, and I will love my enemies, but I won’t set myself up to be hurt again.  I just can’t.  I find that each time my heart is hurt, it takes a little longer to heal.  The damage is always in a different spot.  I imagine my heart looks like a little patchwork quilt sometimes, just stitched back together with a little red thread.

Because of that red thread, I am trying to find the balance between protecting my heart, and loving unconditionally. That is a difficult one, but I know that God will teach me how to do that in His time.

Years and years ago, I heard a saying “Friendship is like Dresden china, truly fine and fair. Once it’s broke, ‘tis easily mended, but the crack is always there.”

I will open up again, if presented with that opportunity. But I will be careful. And I may not open up as completely – at least at first. I’m learning to guard my heart. Scars and all.

Proverbs 4:23 – Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

As I was pulling these thoughts together today, I received a text from my church. About the current series we are doing. The series that has been challenging me — again. An excerpt from the text jumped out at me, “…He keeps no record of wrongs.”

Wow.

I’ve been holding on to hurts from 5 years ago, and adding fresh hurts along the way. I’ve been keeping score and feeling sorry for myself. I have not allowed the scars on my heart to heal. I have shielded my heart not only from more pain, but also from God’s healing love. And what have I done to heal that damaged relationship?

Believing it was their place to make the first move, I’ve done nothing. Real mature, there, Beth.

I am praying that God give me the wisdom and peace to make the first step. I don’t feel emotionally ready to do that just yet. But I’m sure that when God says it’s time, He will give me the strength, peace, and wisdom to make that move. I hope when the opportunity is presented that fear is suppressed, and love and grace take over. I know that Love wins in the end. Because God is Love, and He always wins.

So, you may have noticed that lately I’ve been struggling with what I’m calling a minor depression.   (Compared to the economy these days, this could be called a recession…haha – sorry that was a fairly pitiful attempt at socially relevant humor!  And I am laughing on the inside!)

For those who have privately contacted me in your concern – thank you so much for your love and compassion!  I want you to know that I completely appreciate your comments and advice!  And I have taken every comment to heart and I want you all to know that I’m not as bad as my writing may imply.

What I set out to do with this blog, what I am still trying to do, is journal my journey of growth.  I strive to be transparent, to invite you into my heart, and there are times that my heart just hurts.  Most of the time my heart is full of joy, but it seems that my words flow best when I’m in those sad places of life.  And currently I appear to be in a place that is often sad.

Currently, I am a lump of coal.

I am working on that – and getting better.  I have some ideas, and writing helps me sort those ideas out.  Do I share too much?  Perhaps.  But it’s something that I feel led to do.  So please bear with me.  Please sift through the sadness and look for the hope.

Perhaps opening my heart up for those who click on this blog is too much.  Too much for you, too much for me.  I don’t know who actually reads it.  I know there is evil out there, looking for ways to keep us down.  Keep me down.  I understand that by putting my weaknesses out there for that evil to see, it is able to use them against me.  What I am trying to do is show you – my friends – that I’m human.  I make mistakes.  I fall.  I fail.  But I trust there is a plan for my life, and that when I fall, I get back up again.  If I don’t share that, how can I be a light to anyone?  How can I show anyone that the Hope I put my trust in will see me through?

I am hard pressed on every side these days.  Still a lump of coal.  However, I am not crushed.  I am not destroyed.  And I am not alone in my journey.

In my life I’ve gone through seasons when I’ve needed counsel from someone who had been there too, survived, and came back to walk along side me as I walked a road unfamiliar to me.  It was comforting to know that there was at least one other person who had been where I was heading – a friend who was familiar with the path I had to follow.

As I travel through this season I continue to seek God – His peace, grace and goodness.  His love and understanding.  When He speaks to my heart – through a song, through a devotion, through the words of a friend – it is in those moments that I am inspired to write.  And while I sometimes feel the need to explain my sadness, I pray that the hope filling me will shine through even more brightly.

So, I choose my words carefully, and continue to write with the hope that someone reading will look beyond any sadness, and see the joy that God is planting there.  Because what I really want to do is sow the hope that is Jesus Christ.

I understand that I am just one person that God loves, and I am continually learning to love Him back.  I hope that you understand that you are one person that God loves as well.   And possibly you are going through a rough time and are in need of hope.  Please know that God wants to plant that same joy to grow in your heart as well.

A friend mentioned that what she does is keep a Joy Journal… and I LOVE that idea!  I’m going to try is to log the joy that I find daily… in my crazy, overbooked, life, and I’m going to talk about it.  Oh don’t be surprised if I dump a bit of reality in there too.  Because even where there is joy, there is also sadness there.  If there weren’t sadness, how would we be able to appreciate the joy, right?

One day, this lump of coal will be hard pressed into a diamond.   I’m just not a diamond yet!

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand:
The restricting cocoon and the struggle required by the butterfly to get through the opening was a way of forcing the fluid from the body into the wings so that it would be ready for flight once that was achieved.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.
We will not be as strong as we could have been and we would never fly.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

But sometimes I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I can’t but I still try.

I’m not strong enough.  In fact, right now I am extremely weak.  It’s becoming apparent to me that there are times that I’ve taken on a load that was not meant for me to carry.  And it’s starting to break me down.  I’m starting to acknowledge that it could be a good thing to be broken down.

My challenge right now is letting go of the portion of the load that belongs to others. 

Sometimes I feel that I’ve been carrying this load for so long that I won’t know what to do when it’s smaller. 

I almost feel that if I let go of the portions that belong to others, and then they fail, it will be because I didn’t allow them to be strengthened by the load that should have been theirs in the beginning.

My dad taught me to be responsible.  Let my yes be yes, and my no…well I hardly ever say no, so that could be part of the issue.  But it’s that responsibility that I feel to those to whom I promised my support.  It’s a responsibility to things that I said “yes” to, often agreeing too quickly, before looking at the balance in my life.  Before considering anything else that might come along later… anything else that might be part of the load that I am meant to carry.

Anything else that might be more important than things that should have been someone else’s.  

That could have been someone else’s blessing. 

How many blessings have I stolen because I thought I didn’t think it through?  Because I didn’t take the time to look at the whole picture?  Because I thought I was the only one that could do it all?   

Blessings, that in my enthusiasm, I took for myself.  Pridefully seeking glory.  Glory that should always only be God’s, and was never meant for me, or anyone else for that matter.  Seeking acceptance from people who really don’t know me, or care about me.  Seeking approval for bearing a burden that was never intended for my shoulders.

Oh my, how hard it is when we realize that fall was due to our own pride.  Or, when we realize that we failed because the reason behind everything else was our search for acceptance.  Wanting people to like us.  Me.  Wanting people to acknowlege me.  Craving acceptance and approval from humans.

I have taken on burdens that were never mine to take on, that should have been available for someone else to carry, nurture, grow, and in turn – be blessed by.  

How selfish of me. 

How prideful of me to think that no one else cared enough, or would follow through, or could be able to accomplish something that I automatically assumed responsibility for. 

If I were to continue this way, I would never allow others to understand that they don’t have to be perfect, that it’s ok to fall, to fail, to be hurt and in turn to heal and grow and fly.  I would never allow others to be blessed the way I’ve been blessed. 

So, consider this fair warning my friends. I’m going to be letting go in some areas of my life that I have struggled with control.  Areas that are pulling my focus off what it should be on.  Areas that might belong on someone else’s shoulders.   Possibly your shoulders. 

And this might be painful for both of us. 

But it will be ok.  You will grow stronger, if you let God help you. 

I will grow stronger, when I let God help me.

So if and when I let you fall, fail, hurt, and heal, it’s really because I love you. 

It’s quite possibly because I’ve been where you are, and I want you to grow and learn and discover the blessings that growth like this can encourage.

I promise you, I’ve fallen more times than I care to admit. Usually because I’m not learning the lessons that God is trying to teach me.  But trust me, each time I fall I’m learning the lesson a little more quickly.

I can’t promise that you will never fall, but I can tell you that when you do, you won’t be crushed. 

You will not be destroyed.

You will rise up stronger.